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WEDDINGS

Finding the right gift a matter of tradition and budget

By LINELL SMITH

Baltimore Sun

Sunday, April 28, 2002

Get your credit card ready: That season of once-in-a-lifetime moments has arrived again.

If you're planning to attend several weddings -- plus a graduation or two -- you could easily be in for $500, according to estimates from local retailers and wedding planners. Wedding gifts start at $75 and climb ever upward -- Bride's magazine places the average gift at $100 -- and graduation gifts aren't too far behind.

But buying wedding gifts usually raises more anxiety, perhaps because of the changing nature and etiquette of weddings. Almost half of today's ceremonies are "encore weddings," events in which one or both members of the happy couple have been married before. Many other weddings unite people from different cultures with different ideas about gifts.

All of which means more research for anyone used to giving towels and toaster ovens.

"The symbolism of wedding gifts has changed in a way," says Peggy Post, etiquette consultant and author of Emily Post's Wedding Etiquette. "In the past, a lot of gifts helped set up a couple's home. Now what's important is that a wedding gift be something a couple can enjoy."

Today's bride is often a woman in her 30s who has a home and a well-equipped kitchen. Although she and her groom may want traditional gifts such as china, crystal and silver, they may prefer camping equipment. Or they hope for contributions toward a giant flat- screen television or their dream honeymoon in Venice. Their Internet registry site might suggest guests purchase a gondola ride or a dinner for two overlooking the Grand Canal.

"Often a couple will use the wedding as an opportunity to upgrade what they already have," says Carley Roney of www.theknot.com Internet wedding service. "So you can give them an antique Tiffany fork -- or something they really want."

Money is popular

Nearly half of the 66,000 couples surveyed last year by American Express, the Emily Post Institute and WeddingChannel.com said money was what they most wanted and were most uncertain how to request.

"People have greater needs than what's in a gift registry," Roney says. "They want a new car, but they can't ask for that. Some couples need money to fund their wedding. And then there are intercultural weddings. I'm married to a Chinese man, and at Chinese weddings, you're supposed to give money. In that culture traditionally it would be inappropriate to give gifts."

Nevertheless, many guests balk at the notion of cash. Some think a wedding gift should be tangible. Others fear the money could disappear into heaven knows what or that they'll have to spend more than they would have on a gift.

"In order to give money today you have to give at least $100, $150," says Baltimore wedding planner Sherri Minkin. "Whereas you could go out and buy a beautiful piece of Waterford for $75. Or spend $125 on an antique piece of silver that really looks like something."

Guests should remember that they are not obliged to send money or select a gift from the couple's registry, says Post. If they have a fabulous idea for the perfect wedding gift, they should act on it.

"A lot of times people say their favorite gifts are total surprises," she says. "The bridal registry is merely a list of suggestions -- a wish list."

Sherri Minkin says she often reminds people that "Weddings are not about presents."

"I always say "You should never have a wedding to get a gift, because I guarantee you will not get back in gifts what you have spent."

That doesn't mean some folks don't dream on.

Registry contretemps

Encore bride Liza Minnelli recently registered at Tiffany's for 20 silver Elsa Peretti soap dishes at $495 each. According to a recent check of her Internet registry site, she did not receive any. Her friends and relatives found them a tad over the top.

On the other hand, some registry gifts can offend by their modesty. According to bridal consultant Jan Dardozzi, one mother of the bride was appalled when she saw her daughter's wish list.

"She scratched out everything that was $19.99 or less and redid the listing of china and crystal. She said, 'I'm spending $70 per person on the dinner, and I don't want people fighting each other over $20 gifts.' "

The practice of matching gifts to estimated expenses started when weddings began to include many guests from different backgrounds, Roney says.

"Nobody wanted to be seen as a cheapskate. So if it was going to be one of those big fancy weddings at $250 a head, they'd think that that was what was expected from them as a gift."

Which was often right: "I've heard brides say, 'Hell, I spent $200 a plate on them, and they only spent $50 on a gift.' "

Deciding what to spend can be particularly troublesome for younger guests, the folks most apt to go to several showers, serve as wedding attendants and accumulate travel expenses.

Sympathetic to their dilemma, wedding consultants often advise couples to go easy on the pre-wedding celebrations. How considerate is it to expect folks to produce gifts for an engagement party, a shower and the main event?

"There are a lot of budget-conscious people out there," Sherri Minkin says. "A lot of people say, "I was planning to spend $150 total on this person. I tell my clients if you're going to register and have an engagement gift, then think about having a shower where there are no gifts, where a girl gets favorite recipes or household hints.

"Younger people are more apt to pitch in on a gift with other people. This stuff can really add up. You've got the engagement gift, the shower gift and, before you know it, a baby gift."

Whenever people assign monetary values to friendships, anxieties about gifts can increase. People have highly individual relationships to money that play out in their personalities, says Michael Gugerty, a staff psychologist at Sheppard Pratt Health System.

"There are people who would give you the shirt off their back and people who scream when pennies go out the door on the heating bill. How one feels about money has a lot to do with how free one feels to give of oneself without strings attached," he says.

"Probably the most grounded and satisfied people in life can take people at face value. They appreciate their (friends' and families') presence at the big event -- and that, in and of itself, is sufficient."

The "cleanest" way to approach gift-giving, Gugerty suggests, is to do what seems appropriate, given one's bank account. And if the happy couple are dismayed, that's their problem.

DISPELLING MYTHS ABOUT WEDDING GIFTS

Etiquette consultant Peggy Post would like to retire some myths about wedding gifts.

MYTH NO. 1: If you don't go to the wedding, you don't have to send a gift. The only time you're not required to send a gift, says Post, is when you receive an invitation from someone you never see and don't keep in touch with, "someone you knew a long time ago." In that case, you should still RSVP and send a congratulatory message.

MYTH NO. 2: You have a year to send a wedding gift. This is no more true than the companion notion that you have a year to write a thank-you note. It's best to send your gift around the time of the wedding, preferably before. And do not, repeat, do not bring your gift to the wedding unless that's the custom in your corner of the world. Gifts brought to weddings can be lost or stolen, and gift cards are easily misplaced. "A wedding is not a birthday party," reminds Post.

MYTH NO. 3: You should spend at least as much on a wedding gift as the hosts are spending to have you at the wedding. "You should do what makes sense," Post says. "Your No. 1 question is, 'How well do I know the bride and groom or their family?' You should base (the size of) your gift on the affections for the couple, and on your budget."

Baltimore Sun

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