Baby shower gift for dad

Technology, Baby!

Editors Paul Schrimpf and Scott Lucas square off on e-business trends

IT TAKES A VILLAGE TO RAISE A CHILD. AT least, that was the popular mantra of parenting when we were having our first child back in the early Go-Go '90s. It's a wonderful notion, creating a sense of the importance of community involvement and responsibility and acceptance that made us as expectant parents feel all warm and fuzzy. But, two months after Claire was born we realized that the "village" wasn't up to helping with hourly diaper changes or 3 a.m. feedings, and we realized we were pretty much on our own.

But I digress, as we so often do in this forum. I only brought it up because it seems we have a new mantra in parenthood these days: "It Takes a Microchip To Raise a Child." It came to mind as heard Scott describe the myriad booty he was taking home from the various showers held in his and his expectant wife's honor, and I got to thinking about what passed for high-tech baby rearing just 10 years ago.

Hmm. Well, I remember the big thing was playing music to the baby in utero through special headphones to attempt to positively stimulate the baby. By piping in Mozart perhaps you were increasing the mental potential of your child. More likely you looked foolish and the baby heard what might be equated to whale mating noises, but hey, somebody made a lot of money.

The other dose of high-tech was the baby monitor which, as it turns out, is indispensible for the multi-tasking parent. However, there was a downside. Living in the most densely populated city between Chicago and New York, all too often I became privy to Aunt Helen's gout or Mr. Jones' marital shenanigans from what the monitor would pick up from cordless phones and other baby monitors. Side lesson here - never buy a cheap cordless unless you have absolutely no skeletons in the closet.

Well, some technology works, some doesn't. And I wish my partner across the aisle all the best as he matches the microchips with his munchkin. One thing's for sure technology won't save him from 3 a.m. feedings . . .

IF THERE EVER IS A REPEAT of the 2003 blackout, I can take care of it, as I now own enough batteries to supply power to the entire Eastern seaboard. Probably Canada too, since most of their essential activities - like policing their nation - are still powered by horse.

Why do I have so many batteries, you ask? The reason is that my wife and I are expecting our first baby this month, and today's infant supplies require roughly the same amount of wattage as the Vegas strip.

And these supplies are absolutely vital to your child's survival. We've already been warned by Babies 'R' Us that they would inform Child Services if we did not buy a bottle warmer instead of our original plan, using hot water. Luckily, the warmer was a shower gift, so we won't need to resort to our barbaric idea, which apparently hasn't been used since the days of Genghis Khan.

We also received several toys that will ensure the child is smarter than we are by age five. Among these are a keyboard that teaches music composition and a plastic globe that recites phrases in foreign languages that Mommy and Daddy don't understand, so the child will one day be able to curse, unbeknownst to us, in Esperanto.

There is also baby wipe warmer, the multi-speed swing, the musical mobile which projects stars onto the ceiling, and my favorite, the vibrating nature pod. It consists of an egg-shaped pod sitting on bent metal legs and a small motor which makes the pod vibrate while playing soothing nature sounds. We almost registered for the less expensive model, which didn't emit the soothing nature sounds, but we changed our minds when the cashier took one horrified look at it and cried, "You monsters!"

As I was installing the batteries into this gizmo menagerie, it occurred to me that with all the stuff there is out there to put your kid in, it's a wonder anyone today has any time for something as crazy as actually touching their babies. So that's the promise I'm making to my future son or daughter - try out all the stuff, but be ready to spend plenty of time being held by your dad, too.

That way, I get to sit in the pod.