How to write a thank you card for baby gift

Maybe it was Martha Stewart who made us think that all acquaintances must be presented with tokens of our affections. Maybe it's the affluent age. But over the past decade, the holidays seem to have become a time for remembering everyone. Santa's bringing more than he did a generation ago, and advertisers have taught us that a spouse needs diamonds, sisters appreciate cashmere, and real friends trade gift baskets. And there is a second, rapidly expanding, list: colleagues and the many people--such as the hairdresser and the kid who mows the lawn--who deliver the services that make our lives manageable.

So now we suffer from gift fatigue, a syndrome that has exploded along with the economy and has us wrapping plum puddings into the night. Some thrive on the experience. Others say it will take a deep recession to end the insanity. Yet the experts say there is a way out: What's really needed to turn the Yuletide is determination and a plan. "Get off the merry-go-round," says Jessie H. O'Neill, author of The Golden Ghetto: The Psychology of Affluence. "As a church, as a community, say, 'Let's not do this again. Let's write each other a poem. Let's have a cookie exchange, and if you need to buy your cookies at the supermarket that's OK.' "

Many people enjoy riding the holiday merry-go-round. Dana Hall, 37, a managing director at a hedge fund, and her husband, Allen, 33, a commodities-trading adviser, are serious givers. Between them, the Philadelphia couple have twin sons, four parents, and four stepparents. "I have one sister, three half-brothers and a stepsister and a stepbrother . . . six aunts and uncles and their spouses," Dana says. "My husband has two siblings and two stepsiblings. We have two baby sitters [who] are really important to us." Their list also includes the cleaning lady, teachers, the mailman, the trash collectors, friends, and neighbors. She has 54 presents to buy and wrap. She'll spend $20 on some and as much as $150 on others. Yet for the Halls, Christmas giving is an investment in family, an expression of love. "I've just been indoctrinated," she says, laughing. "I had a Christmas account when I was a sophomore in high school."

Others give because they feel obligated, says O'Neill, whose book contends that many Americans suffer from "affluenza," a dysfunctional connection to money and wealth. These people approach the holidays with something akin to survivor's guilt, she says. "They think, 'I have so much, therefore I'm obligated to give.' . . . Then we set up those expectations so that every year we're obligated to give."

Breaking the cycle. Yet O'Neill has found that even for those who enjoy giving, scaling back can be positive. "Usually people are almost relieved," she says. For family and friends, time and kindness make treasured presents. For those in service professions, notes often are meaningful. "You don't have to spend a lot of money to let people know how much you care about them; it's like a thank-you," she says.

Another way to remember them is to send notes to their bosses, advises etiquette expert Judith Martin, also known as Miss Manners. "If you're not directly employing the person, you are in the position to write a wonderful letter," says Martin. One example is sending a note to the school superintendent commending a fine teacher.

Those who perform regular services, however, are best remembered with money, Martin adds. People you love should not be. "You give bonuses to employees who do good work. With your relatives and friends, you're supposed to notice things they want." How much you give depends on what you can afford. And the amount in the envelope should be adjusted upward if the person has done more than the job generally demands.

Trying to pare family giving can be a vexing problem. Martin suggests one tactic that some big families have already figured out: "Children only," she says. "Another way . . . is you draw a name. Anything is fine as long as everybody agrees on it."

Dana Hall is now in full buying mode. "I really love Christmas. When I've finished my shopping I feel very satisfied," she says.

But she's determined not to spoil her sons, George and Mason, both 2. Each boy will get one Thomas the Tank train from Santa. That's all. "It's silly to give them a lot of gifts all at one time. . . . They have grandparents and aunts," she says. "I just don't want to get in the habit of [Christmas] being really overwhelming."

From teachers, lessons to give by

We entrust them with our children, appreciate and sometimes adore them. So why do we give teachers such lousy gifts? Perhaps because a present that appears fine can be dreadful when multiplied by 25. Here are teachers' pet peeves:

Mugs. Clearly at the top of the least-appreciated list.

Fake apples. Or anything with an apple motif, including tote bags, picture frames, and aprons.

Super flotsam. Items imprinted with the words "World's Best Teacher." Especially mugs.

Cheese-and-meat gift packages.

Bath products. It is possible to have too much soap.

Instead, consider these gifts:

Cash. Awkward when it comes from an individual, but a class collection presented with a card makes the grade.

Gift certificates. A more discreet way to give cash. Know the teacher well enough that you don't give a vegetarian a certificate to a steakhouse.

Sweet treats. Homemade cookies often get shared in the teachers' lounge. Ditto chocolate treats.

Educational perks. Upgrade the classroom with books, supplies, globes, or software. It's a gift that benefits the entire class.

Good thoughts. A card from your child, particularly when it is made by hand.