Thank you note example baby gift

Early in parenthood, during a visit to her mother-in-law's home, Leslie Winston learned the perils of being a house-guest with a toddler in tow.

"She has all these beautiful antiques and great artwork. The house is not really childproofed. And yet we were supposed to be there for three days," recalls Leslie, of suburban Cincinnati, whose children are now ages 5 and 2. "Every room our son went into I ran after him saying 'Don't touch that.'"

Eager to see faraway family and friends--and to save money on hotels--many parents opt to be houseguests, taking along their children. These visits can be lots of fun, but parents don't always realize what challenges they may be facing by bringing their children into someone else's living space. Fun as it is, a stay-over visit can set up kids--and even adults--for a mild case of culture shock, where differing rules and priorities collide.

"You need to realistically think about your family's needs," say's Nancy Timm, of Denver, whose two teenage daughters are veteran houseguests. "And to impose your lifestyle on someone else can be very stressful."

Whether you have an infant or school-age children, whether visiting parents or old college roommates, any house visit can be successful and enjoyable by following a few simple guidelines.

PLAN THE VISIT. Before the visit, guests and hosts should try to discuss their expectations so everyone has fair warning, says Nancy. "That defines the visit. Then no one is frustrated or upset." For example, if Nancy knows guests are coming primarily to see her, she plans outings with them. "If they're coming to see Colorado and Denver, I'll provide them with suggestions," she says.

KNOW WHAT TO BRING ... AND WHAT TO BORROW. Before Claudia Bloom and her husband visit friends with their son, Benjamin, 7, they call or e-mail to talk about the itinerary and what to bring in the way of clothing and equipment, such as bicycles or sleeping bags. Calling ahead also smooths out possible bumps over things like food preferences and dietary requirements. For example, because Claudia's family is vegetarian, she'll bring or buy veggie burgers to throw on the grill.

Planning is especially critical where infants are involved. When traveling with her baby, Lisa Illingworth of Seattle discusses equipment with her hosts. Do they have a crib? Can she borrow a car seat?

BE A DIPLOMAT. "When you agree to be a guest at someone else's house, you're buying into the way they do things," says Cindy Post Senning, coauthor of The Gift of Good Manners. This means following your host's lead for activities, schedules, and meals. But a host should consider guests' wishes too.

Compromise works best. For instance, before a visit, Leslie, who spent many hours safeguarding breakables from her toddler, now discusses the lay-of-the-land with her hosts first. "It would be rude to say 'Please put everything away,'" says Leslie. Instead, she asks, "Should we bring toys or things for the kids to do? Do you have a place where we can hang out?"

BRIEF THE KIDS. "Go over all the things you will expect of your children," says Senning, especially if they'll encounter something new--such as an ailing grandparent, a hyperactive child, an unusual cuisine, or some type of first-time activity.

Leslie Winston also makes sure her children are polite to adults and other children. She knows, for example, that her son has "a love-hate thing" with one host's son and they may need to be separated. "I usually try to prep my son before we go," she says, by letting him talk about his feelings and deciding what to do or say if certain situations arise.

USE COMMON COURTESY. Recalling one of her father's favorite sayings--"After three days, fish and company smell"--Nancy takes that maxim to heart and generally makes a point of saying her good-byes on the morning of Day 4.

Although there is no hard-and-fast rule on length-of-stay, Senning recommends establishing the length at the outset. Guests also should arrive and leave on time--it's just considerate of your host's schedule.

And during the visit, some other common courtesies apply. "Do not take up residence in the only bathroom. Clean up after yourselves," Senning says. Make sure your children do this too. She also urges families to tidy up before leaving, including gathering up dirty linens and cleaning the areas where they've been staying.

MAKE NICE GESTURES. Claudia brings a gift for hosts--and often for their children. Another option is sending a gift after the visit, when you know your host's decorating style better.

Other thoughtful gestures include sharing the cost of a babysitter or offering to take the host's children on an outing. When Nancy visits friends who have younger children, her teenage daughters babysit so the parents can have a night out.

Offering to help is a good idea--but try to be specific, says Senning. Be observant, look around, and see if there's something to do.

ALWAYS SAY "THANK YOU." While most guests remember to thank their hosts as they pull away from the curb, very few actually follow up with a more formal gesture of gratitude, and they should. A next-day phone call or e-mail is often considered appropriate, but Senning prefers the written note. "It takes a little more effort," she says. If you want to be welcomed back, it's an effort you should make.