Unique newborn baby gift

Fourteen years ago, Gary Onady, M.D., was performing an EKG on a patient who presented with chest pain when his wife called to tell him that a birth mother in Columbus, Ohio, had chosen them to adopt her newborn daughter.

The Onadys, drawn to adoption because of infertility, had arranged for a closed adoption, which preserves the confidentiality of the birth parents and the adoptive parents. Their arrangement stipulated that they pick up the baby within 24 hours of being chosen.

Dr. Onady, then just 7 months into his internal medicine residency at Cleveland Metropolitan Hospital, called the chief resident and arranged for 2 days off so he and his wife could make the 3-hour drive to Columbus to meet their new daughter. Dia Danielle.

When they arrived, the couple learned that they were the birth mother's alternative choice to adopt the infant. "This child was supposed to go to another couple, but when they found out she was mixed-race--half Hispanic and half Caucasian--they didn't want that option," said Dr. Onady, who is now associate professor of internal medicine and pediatrics at Wright State University School of Medicine, Dayton, Ohio. "To us, that didn't matter."

Four years later, the Onadys decided to adopt another child, this time through open adoption, a popular type where birth parents and adoptive parents agree to share certain information with one another. It took four failed attempts before they succeeded in adopting a 1-month-old baby girl they named Rena Nicole.

In each of the failed attempts, the birth parents decided to keep their child, a turn of events that was "kind of like having a miscarriage," Dr. Onady recalled. "You never really see the child, but you feel the loss of not having that child after you've built your hopes up.... It was emotionally painful."

Today, Dr. Onady said, "we've had challenges like all parents do, but it's been very rewarding. Adopting two was a good thing. The one complements the other. While it's a sibling relationship, Rena is a class clown type, happy-go-lucky comedian, while Dia is very serious and kind of anxious. She has learned from our younger daughter to lighten up a bit and to enjoy life a little bit more because of that."

If you are considering adoption, experts interviewed for this column offered the following advice:

* Explore your reasoning. Ask "Why at this point in my life do I want to adopt?" advised Mardie Caldwell, director of the Lifetime Adoption Facilitation Center in Grass Valley, Calif., and author of www.AdoptingOnline.com. "What do I have to benefit or offer the child?" Consider whether your family will support your decision. If you have grown children and you want to adopt a second family, are they prepared for that? "The main thing is to bring the reasoning to the surface. If you're only trying to get your spouse off your back [about having a child], that's not a good reason."

Susan Lord, M.D., was 53 years old when she adopted a newborn daughter, Jamie, in the fall of 2001. She chose to adopt because "it was something that I thought would really enrich my life," said Dr. Lord, a family physician who practices in Washington, D.C. "I felt I wanted to share all the gifts that I had been given with someone else, and I was not married, so I decided to do this on my own."

From the outset, one of Dr. Lord's priorities was to find a way to have frequent contact with Jamie throughout the day. So she set up an office on the first floor of her home and hired a nanny to care for Jamie weekdays from 9:30 a.m. to 5 p.m. while she sees patients. "About 10 times a day I go upstairs and give Jamie a kiss and a hug and be part of her life that way," she said. "That feels really good to me."

She added that adoption "should be something you want to do and enjoy doing. It's sad if you're going to have to work 10-hour days for the foreseeable future. That's very hard to do and bring up a child."

* Seek advice from adoptive parents. Talk to friends who have adopted or look for an adoptive parents' group in your area, advised Gloria Hochman, director of communications at the Philadelphia-based National Adoption Center (www.adopt.org) which places children with cerebral palsy, spina bifida, or other special needs. "Find out-how they did it, where they did it, and how successful it was for them." she said.

"What it has to do with is how stable you are, how secure you can make a child feel, how much love and respect you can give the child, and how much love and support there is in your family," she added. "That's really what it's all about."

* Confront your fears. Dr. Lord noted that many people fear adoption itself. "They have it in their minds that it's 'not as good' as having their own baby, or it's not as fulfilling, or it's more scary, and you have less control because of the genetic components," she said. "I tell people that none of it matters. Most adoptive mothers will say that the child who comes to you is the most magical gift and will open you to love in ways you cannot even imagine ahead of time."

Andrea Miles, M.D., who adopted a newborn boy, Emmanuel, in 2002, said that there is always an excuse for putting off having children, whether naturally or by adopting. "Once you go down the road to becoming a physician, there's never 'a right time' to adopt, because something else always comes up, some other commitment you have, some other hurdle you have to jump over," said Dr. Miles, who is single and was interviewed during the final week of her combined residency in internal medicine and pediatrics at Wright State University.

"I was ready [to adopt] before I thought I was. For me, it was a great opportunity, because the mom was healthy and she had [put a child up for adoption] before, so the risk of her changing her mind was less."

The experience has not changed Dr. 'Miles' desire to marry and have her own child some day. "I wanted to adopt one and have one," she said. "I've done it in a different order than I thought I would, but I'm halfway to my goal."

* Expect the unexpected. Expect to face unique circumstances as the child grows, Ms. Hochman said. "He or she may want to learn more about his or her origin or the birth parents. They might ask the adoptive parents for help with this. How open would adoptive parents be to giving this kind of help? Would they feel threatened by it or comfortable doing it?"

When Frank Kane, M.D., and his wife adopted their second son, Frank IV, 11 years ago, the biological father launched a year-long battle for custody, but the Kanes prevailed.

"That took a major toll on my clinical practice," said Dr. Kane, a family physician with Skylands Medical Group in Newton, N.J., and a member of the board of directors for the American Board of Family Practice. "My sleeping pattern was very disrupted because I was afraid that we were going to lose my second son," he said. "I had also worried about the impact it would have on my first adopted son."

Despite the ordeal, he said that he and his wife hold no regrets about adopting. "If somebody really wants to have children, it's a wonderful opportunity," he said. "I feel strongly that we helped our children have good lives. They've enriched ours."

He spoke of "intangibles" to adoption, like just being there for your children, sharing the joys and the sorrows. And the laughs. Frank IV recently has become hooked on one of his father's favorite pastimes: watching Marx Brothers movies. "That's one of my favorite things," Dr. Kane said. "Last night he and I just sat down and watched one."

RELATED ARTICLE: Where to Find Help About Adoption

The Internet contains a plethora of information on adoption. A good place to start is the Adoption Web Ring, which can be found at http://plumsite.com/adoptionring. This site, recognized by www.Forbes.com as one of the "best of the Web," is a "public service ring dedicated to the best interests" of adoptees, birth families, and adoptive families. Click on the "adoption resources links" on the home page.

Gloria Hochman, director of communications at the National Adoption Center, recommends visiting the Web site of your state adoption agency. "There are also several regional adoption exchanges in America," she said. "You might go to the Web for those exchanges."

The following books may also be of help:

* "Adopting in America: How to Adopt Within One Year," fourth edition, by Randall Hicks (Gardena, Calif.: SCB Distributors, 2004).

* "Adoption for Dummies," by Tracy Barr and Katrina Carlisle (Hoboken, N.J.: Wiley Publishing, 2003).