50 birthday gag gift idea

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"The Oprah Winfrey Show" (9 a.m., WLS-Channel 7): Scott Peterson's former paramour Amber Frey keeps yapping away in an effort to sell her new memoir. But do you really want to read a book that has a chapter titled "Oh My God! Laci's baby is due on my birthday!" Talk about a gag gift. (Repeated at 11:05 p.m.)

"All My Children" (noon, WLS-Channel 7): To mark this Agnes Nixon serial's 35th anniversary, Carol Burnett returns to Pine Valley in the role of Verla Grubbs, the tacky stepdaughter of Phoebe Wallingford she first played in 1983.

"The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Model Search" (7 p.m., WMAQ- Channel 5): While UPN's "America's Next Top Model" is on a break, NBC has taken over the search for America's next top model with a dozen women vying to pose for the top-selling issue of Sports Illustrated each year that ignores sports and goes heavy on the illustrations. Expect catfights aplenty and more than a little skin. Among the contenders are Nancy, a tall 22-year-old Chicagoan, and Marcela, a taller 21-year-old from Glenview.

"Lost" (7 p.m., WLS-Channel 7): Tonight, we learn a little bit more about Kate (Evangeline Lilly).

"That '70s Show" (7 p.m., WFLD-Channel 32): Fox got its comeuppance on Monday, when the repulsively exploitative "Who's Your Daddy?" got smoked in the ratings. The network is so desperate for success these days, it's thinking about bringing back "That '70s Show" next season -- even though it probably would have to go without either stars Ashton Kutcher and Topher Grace, who have better things to do.

"Doc" (7 p.m., WCPX-Channel 38): Miss Billy Ray Cyrus already? You can check out this pilot episode in which the Montana doctor he played follows his achy breaky heart to New York.

"The Road to Stardom With Missy Elliott" (7 p.m., WPWR-Channel 50): While UPN's "America's Next Top Model" is on a break, its time slot goes to hip-hop diva Elliott presiding over a tedious (STAR)5/ 8 talent contest/reality show. The field of thousands is quickly cut to 13 who get to ride "on the bus" with their abilities and an "all- access" laminate tour pass. Among the finalists is Jessica, a big- voiced 23-year-old from Chicago. But, as the announcer promises, "Twelve will leave with their dreams crushed."

"King of Queens" (8 p.m., WBBM-Channel 2): Doug and Carrie go shopping for friends.

"The West Wing" (8 p.m., WMAQ-Channel 5): While Jimmy Smits weighs the idea of entering the presidential race, someone starts a rumor that CJ is gay.

"Great Performances" (8 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): If you only know Bill Irwin's clowning from his occasional guest appearance on TV and small movie roles, you should make a point to check out this hour.

"Kevin Hill" (8 p.m., WPWR-Channel 50): Kevin tries a case involving the Patriot Act, then has his privacy invaded. That's called "dovetailing story lines."

"Do You Speak American?" (9 p.m., WTTW-Channel 11): Canadian newsman Robert MacNeil looks at how those of us in the United States speak in this offshoot of 1986's "The Story of English."