60th wedding anniversary gift idea

Virginia Ironside's Dilemmas

VIRGINIA'S ADVICE

NO ONE ever seems to know quite who owns a wedding day. Traditionally the bride is always screaming that: "It's my big day and I want to do everything my way!". But why shouldn't it be the groom's big day, too? Yet he rarely has a say in it all, standing on the sidelines looking like a prat in a penguin suit.

And anyway, as it's a public event, and the whole point of a wedding is to announce your union to the outside world, shouldn't it really be everyone else's big day?

There's a lot to be said for the low-key ceremony, with a few friends for supper afterwards. That's what I had, and very nice it was too. But sometimes I regret not having the full Monty, and when I see giant wedding cakes with tiny little brides and grooms on top, I find my eyes filling, sentimentally, with tears.

So what should Mandy do?

I just don't think she can ignore her extended family, however much she loathes them. I really do think that once you start cutting family out of your life, however frightful and distantly related they are, you're on a downward slope. We all bemoan the loss of family life in general, but often, when it comes to our own, we can easily decide not to visit some frightful old aunt in the country, or to dodge the 60th wedding anniversary of some particularly unsympathetic older cousin. But we do so at our peril. Not cultivating family is a very short-term and easy option. I think outlying family should be regarded as rolling acres, and even if we don't actually walk in them a great deal, we should see that their hedges are growing neatly, that they aren't becoming overrun with weeds or infested with squatters. One day we may well need them for a crop of something, and we'll be incredibly glad that we didn't just let them rot.

If Mandy and her boyfriend are getting married, almost certainly they'll be thinking of having children. This "nightmarish" extended family might well, Mandy never knows, come in useful in the future. And I wouldn't be surprised if they're not quite as "nightmarish" as Mandy thinks, anyway. I've been introduced to nightmarish people in close friends' families and have always been amazed to discover that, to strangers, they are perfectly charming and civilised. It's only when you are vaguely related to people that their worst points seem to shine like beacons.

If I were Mandy, I would have my private wedding ceremony with my fiance, with two sets of parents and closest siblings at the registry office, and the meal out with friends afterwards. But the next day, why not take up her boyfriend's parents' offer, and have an enormous bash somewhere to which everyone, but everyone, is invited? If it's big enough, the nightmarish extended family simply will be absorbed in the scrum.

Her future in-laws would be incredibly hurt if their generous offer of paying for a celebration were to be thrown back in their faces. Most parents adore spending money to celebrate a child's rite of passage. They love sorting out the venue, the drinks, the flowers and the photographers.

I'm always encouraging people to have their cake and eat it. In this case, Mandy should be able to have her wedding cake (with the tiny bride and groom on top) and eat that, too.

For more advice, go to www.virginiaironside.org.

READERS SAY

It's your day

Many years ago I was told, quite unpleasantly, by my prospective father- in-law that my wedding was not about me but about the extended families involved. And apparently I was lacking in social understanding if I failed to realise this.

I was young and vulnerable at the time but I still thought, "What a load of tosh. My wedding is about me and the man I love." And so is yours, Mandy. I suggest you discuss with your boyfriend what you want and come up with something that suits both of you. With all due respect to both sides of the family, it really isn't any of their business.

It may mean paying for your own wedding, but you'll probably enjoy it all the more.

Name and address supplied

Family is forever

A family wedding is not just a happy event for the couple and their immediate nearest and dearest. It is also a public statement about who you are, and about your family and friends. If mishandled at the planning stage, the consequences in terms of hurt feelings and lifetime grudges are potentially horrendous. If you exclude members of your family for fear of embarrassment, you had better be ready for the fall-out. I know someone who did this. She had a huge, lavishly profligate occasion, where her family were picked according to who she liked or disliked at the time. The clumsiness and dishonesty with which this was done tarnished the whole occasion, and one half of the family still isn't talking to the other.

I would suggest two safer alternatives. One is to say "this is my family, warts and all", invite as many as you can fit in the hall. If you can't bear the idea of that then make it very small and just invite closest friends and relatives.

Name and address supplied

Marry abroad

No-one should dictate to the bride and groom how they choose to organise their wedding. If Mandy doesn't want a big, expensive wedding, she should explain the situation tactfully to her future parents- in-law. One way of avoiding conflict would be to get married abroad.

ANNA DICKIE

Sudbury, Suffolk

I did it my way

I had exactly the same problem when I married. So my husband and I set a date that was suitable for everyone three months hence for the big do. We then made an appointment at the register office for about six weeks before that. The Sunday before I asked my father to lunch. I explained to him why we wanted to have a simple and quiet wedding, with just my husband and myself and our two witnesses. We married the next day as we wished. Six weeks later we had another great day (to "celebrate" our marriage) with speeches, flowers, cake and all the trimmings. Everyone got to dress up and my parents got to invite all their friends so they were happy. Because we were already married, there was no tension, and nothing for anyone to spoil. In fact, many people said that it was the best wedding they had ever been to!

Name and Address supplied

NEXT WEEK'S DILEMMA

Dear Virginia

I'm in my first year at university, and I feel completely sexually confused. I have had a boyfriend but we have just split up, and I am sure it is because I am so bad in bed. He never actually said anything to me about our sex life, but I never really enjoyed sex.

I am starting to wonder if I might be a lesbian, but I don't know where to start or what to do next. I feel so utterly muddled and unhappy about all this. Can you help me?

Yours sincerely, Nell

Anyone with advice quoted will be sent a gift box of Thorntons Continental chocolates. Send letters/dilemmas to me by Thursday at `The Independent', Independent House, 191 Marsh Wall, London E14 9RS, fax 020- 7005 2182; or e-mail dilemmas@ independent.co.uk with a postal address