Birthday gift idea 60

Laughter, compromise, a naughty negligee--these are just some of the keys to a happy marriage, say couples who have been together 15 years or more. What they've learned just might add some spice to your relationship.

'We focus on giving'

Marva and Willie Williams

Married 43 years; three children; six grandchildren; Cleveland

What brought them together:

If Marva Williams had stuck with her first impression of her husband, Willie, the two might never have dated. "I'd heard he was a fundamentalist and a bit holier-than-thou," says the 67-year-old who worked as a nurse in the same Cincinnati junior high school where Willie taught math and sciences and served as the football coach. "I liked to dance, smoke and party--all the things I couldn't do growing up in a strict household. I didn't want to give that up." But eventually they worked things out. "I just decided I wouldn't smoke or party in his presence," Marva says with a laugh. For Willie, 70, now a practicing psychologist in Cleveland, it was love at first sight. "I thought she was a stone fox," he says. The two found they had a lot in common, including a love of sports and music. Marva even managed to get Willie to start dancing--at home. Within a year, the couple were engaged and wed. "We made up our own rules," says Marva. "He found that a drink now and then wasn't so bad. I eventually stopped smoking."

What keeps them together:

Marva: "We focus on giving, not getting. He used to work long hours, but when I asked him to scale back so he could be home for dinner with the kids and attend church with us on Sundays, he agreed. He'd always dreamed of going back to school full-time to study psychology, so I encouraged him to do that. He pushed me to go back and get my master's degree in nursing when our daughter was a senior in high school and our son was a senior in college. We all graduated the same year."

Willie: "I've seen so many marriages where one person thinks he's giving and not getting anything in return. Your partner may feel the same way. Try to see her side and things will improve."

'We talk things out'

Joyce and George Branch

Married 16 years; two children, each from previous relationships; three grandchildren; Newark, New Jersey

What brought them together:

On their third date George Branch, then a city councilman in Newark and a confirmed bachelor, gave Joyce, a divorcee and now a county planner for Essex County, a birthday present she'd never forget. "When I opened his gift--a red negligee with a scarf to match--I laughed," Joyce, 60, recalls. "I could guess what my friends and family were thinking: What are his intentions? It occurred to me, too." From that auspicious beginning, romance bloomed. "She showed me a lot of attention and caring," says George, now 70 and retired from political life. "I couldn't believe someone could be so loving and kind." But after nearly three years of dating, he still hadn't proposed. Joyce gave George an ultimatum. "I said that if it was friendship he wanted, we should see other people." she says. They were shopping for rings by week's end. Still, it took George a minute to adjust to the idea of marriage. "As much as I loved her, I still didn't want to give up my freedom," he says with a chuckle. "I was nervous and my throat was dry, but then I made up my mind. And things have worked out very well."

What keeps them together:

Joyce: "We talk things out. When we have a disagreement, I'm the one who gets all fired up. He's quieter, and I needed that--someone who could see through the anger at the moment, wait me out, then talk through the conflict. It's like water on fire--he's able to put the flames out."

George: "Before we got married, we had a long talk about our future. I told her, 'You tell me what you expect of me as your husband, and I'll tell you what I expect of you as my wife.'"

Joyce: "I wanted someone who would be there for me, someone with family values. When I got married the first time, I was in love with being in love. This time I wanted someone I could have a conversation with when the glow was over."

George: "I wanted someone I could trust who would trust me. Peace, happiness and enjoyment are the three things I look for when I come home, and that's what we have."

'We have a shared vision'

Ann and Chester Grundy

Married 28 years; two children; Lexington, Kentucky

What brought them together:

Before they shared a life together, Ann and Chester Grundy shared office space. "We had adjoining desks at the Kentucky Commission on Human Rights," says Ann, 57, who now directs a teen program for the Lexington Fayette County Health Department. "Chester had a lot of admirers--girls would pass me notes to give to him." Working on projects and traveling together gave Chester an opportunity to see Ann in a different light. "She became a confidante," says Chester, 55, who directs the University of Kentucky's Office of African-American Student Affairs. "I was fascinated by her because she was worldly--a woman of substance. I hadn't traveled much or given deep thought to a lot of things. I saw in her someone who could fill some voids in my own makeup." Ann was 26 and Chester was 24 when they met, but they waited until they were in their 30s to get married. "It gave us time to think through and experience many things before bringing children into the relationship," says Ann. It also gave them time, Chester adds, to decide what their roles as husband and wife would be. "We knew the traditional paradigm--I'm the breadwinner, she's the housewife--wasn't going to work for us," he says. "I had to be open to shoring myself up in some areas, like washing the dishes, that I was not raised to know anything about."

What keeps them together:

Chester: "We have a shared vision. We agreed on the important things early on in our relationship--the purpose of our lives, what our contribution to our people and the world should be. We also agreed on more practical things--money, parenting, real fundamental things that are the bedrock of a good marriage."

Ann: "We never wanted to just get married to accumulate things. When Chester accepted the invitation to go to the University of Kentucky, it put our family in a fertile situation where we could grow individually and as a family. We continue that today--working grass roots, exposing ourselves to new ideas. It's a big deal for us."

'We've learned to forgive'

Helen and Gene Watkins

Married 28 years; three children; one grandchild; Austin, Texas

What brought them together:

Helen and Gene Watkins spotted each other in the crowd on the first day of freshman orientation at Vanderbilt University and have been together ever since. "We spent that whole day and evening talking about music, children, family, finances," says Helen, 50, now a nuclear-health physicist for the Texas Department of Health. That initial conversation was all it took for Gene to commit. "I asked her to marry me at three the next morning, and she said yes without hesitation," says Gene, also 50, who is a real-estate developer. The lovebirds were married their senior year by the campus chaplain, between chemistry and biology class. "We'd been planning a big wedding for after graduation, but we just decided to go ahead and do it," Helen says. "It seemed we had so many other decisions to make about our future. This was one that had already been made."

What keeps them together:

Gene: "We've learned to let go of anger and forgive not just each other but also ourselves. My wife is very opinionated, and we know there are some things we will never agree on. If I know I won't be comfortable with the answer, I don't ask the question."

Helen: "Not holding resentment is key. I'm good at forgiving and Gene's good at forgetting. During the hard times when things aren't meshing, we launch into a project, like landscaping or redecorating. It gives us a chance to redirect our attention from the disagreement to something positive. As we pound nails or put up wallpaper or choose paint colors and problem-solve, we're reminded how much fun we have together. The other issues melt away as we reconnect. And at the end, the reward is that we have something tangible that we've accomplished together."

'We have faith in each other'

Doris and Jay Glaspy

Married 44 years; five children; ten grandchildren; Newark, New Jersey

What brought them together: