Day gift husband idea mother

THIS is the time of year when most couples are inundated with relatives and regalia and last-minute shopping for gifts. But experts say that perhaps the best gift to give is the gift of love and pampering--to yourself and to your significant other.

"It's important for couples to take time out for a little romance," says New York-area psychologist Vera S. Paster, author of Making Love Last: A Guide for African-American Couples. "Doing something special for someone leads to romance. And most importantly, romance is about the thoughtfulness of the gesture or gift, not the lavishness of it."

Unlike almost every other holiday activity, there's no need to check your wallet, purse or savings account to determine how much romance you can afford--in many cases, showing your love doesn't cost a thing. Even better, if you take the time to really get to know your mate, your romantic gestures will make every day Christmas.

Here is just a sample of some ideas that can get your season of love and romance off to a good start.

PRAISE 'EM

In the pursuit of romance, flattery will get you to first base and a heartfelt compliment will take you even further.

"Of the thousands of couples that I've counseled, the most common complaint that I hear from Black men is that they don't feel appreciated," says Chicago-area psychologist George E. Smith. "Black women need to tell their men that they are appreciated--he needs to know that he is not taken for granted."

So, sit that hardworking man of yours down and look him straight in the eye. Rest your head on his shoulder and tell him, "I don't know if you realize this or not, but I am very grateful that you paid the car note on time, shoveled the walkway, fixed the leaking faucet, cut Junior's hair, offered to walk my dog, even on the coldest mornings," etc. Don't assume he knows this already; he may need to hear it from you directly to get some reassurance.

And Brothers, what's good for the Brother is also good for the Sister. The Black woman needs to know that she, too, is appreciated for all that she does in the day and all through the night. If she's a mother, one of the greatest things to let her know is that you appreciate the way she's raising your children. If she's on her way to the beauty shop, don't give her the third-degree interrogation; instead, says Dr. Smith, you should leave some extra money on the kitchen table and tell her, "just go out and get pretty for me."

In delivering your praise, don't just thank your partners for the things that they do for you, thank them also just for being who they are.

RING THE BELLS

Stevie Wonders mega hit song "I Just Called to Say I Love You," really illustrates how a simple phone call can bring a smile to your loved one's face, and really warm the heart--especially during the colder winter months. And there is nothing more romantic than to call your mate just to profess your love. When placing this love call, do not include any other conversation or demands with it--just declare your love, wish him/her a good day, and hang up the phone.

LET YOUR FINGERS DO THE TALKING

All some men want for Christmas is a good back rub. Today, holistic therapy and massage is as popular as it's ever been, but the fact remains that the typical African-American man or woman does not enjoy the benefits of massage, that is, unless he or she is a professional athlete or a privileged CEO who is afforded massages on the job. Yet giving a massage--even an amateur one--is just about the most romantic thing a couple can do for each other, explains Gordon Inkeles, author of The New Sensual Massage: Learn to Give Pleasure with Your Hands.

According to Inkeles, you can blow your mate's mind 10 minutes from now, even if you've never given a massage before in your life.

"You won't need to practice strange exercises or develop unused muscles," he notes. "Think of massage as educated touching. You were born to do massage, to give pleasure with your hands. Simply making unhurried contact with your partner's body initiates a warm, deeply relaxing feeling."

The keys to giving a romantic full-body massage are simple: 1. Don't rush the job. 2. Set the mood with soft jazz and candles to create a relaxing atmosphere. 3. Incorporate aromatherapy, using scents that are pleasurable to your partner. 4. Listen to your partner's feedback and follow his/her lead. Giving your partner a well-deserved foot massage is equally romantic, especially to women.

Other forms of touching are just as romantic, according to some Sisters--"I just love it when my husband shampoos my hair!" says one California Sister who sports a short Afro. "He gives me a tender head massage and I could just curl up and fall asleep afterwards."

"It is really romantic when I'm in the kitchen and my man creeps up behind me and massages my shoulders," says Tiffany, a Chicago-area teacher. "When he does that, I'm so relaxed that I could just slave over that hot stove all day long."

BRING JOY TO HIS WORLD--RATTLE THE POTS & PANS

If you let them tell it, men are very low-maintenance, and all they require is some kind words, a nice touch and a home-cooked meal. That is their vision of Seventh Heaven.

Psychologist Smith says that of all the romantic gestures he's heard over the years, what one woman did for her husband always remains at the top of the heap.

"She called her man at work, first thing in the morning," he recalls. "She told him that she had something special planned for him at home and he is to come home promptly after work.

"When he walked through the door, he smelled the good food cooking on the stove. There were candles on the table, and she had set out the good dishes. She emerged from the kitchen all dolled up and served him while wearing a new outfit. The poor man reported that he couldn't make it through dinner--he had to have her--his dessert--first!"

WINDOW DRESS TO IMPRESS

For the record, the most romantic gestures Sisters report usually revolve around getting surprise gifts at work. There's just something phenomenal about receiving flowers or candy at work, especially during the hectic holidays, says Dr. Paster.

"Sending flowers on her job is a great way to be romantic. A woman loves to show other women that she's loved, adored and appreciated," she explains. "Everybody needs affection, and even though the woman is independent and perfectly able to take care of herself, she loves the idea that her man is her protector, and that he is romantic. Men shouldn't overlook this."

One romantic Memphis Brother took it just a wee bit further. "It was a weekend, and she was sleeping late. I rose early, took the children to grandma's house, and then I came home and prepared breakfast. I served her in bed. While she was eating, I drew her a bubble bath. I propped her up in my favorite chair, and I popped one of her favorite romantic movies in the DVD. We watched it together.

"That afternoon, the doorbell rang and it was the chef I hired. He prepared our dinner. Afterwards, I read some poetry, kissed her on the forehead and we went to sleep. This was several years ago, and she still tells this story over and over again--even to perfect strangers in the supermarket!"

PLAY SANTA

In subtle ways, question your mate and find out what he or she really wants for Christmas; then make provisions to give it to him or her on the first day of Christmas or on the last day of Kwanzaa.

GO TO FANTASY ISLAND

The holidays, especially Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's Day, are family days, but there's no law that says you have to go through the same routines after the big family dinners. Call your travel agent and arrange for a night flight that will put you and your loved one on a beach in Florida or the Bahamas on the day after Christmas for a Christmas for TWO.

Be forewarned, once you start spoiling your mate with pampering and romance, you've got to keep it up, says Eve and Steven Hogan, authors of Intellectual Foreplay, who add that romance is the spice of life.

"Romance can be addictive. It's often poured on in the beginning of a relationship and just when you're hooked, it can stop. Keeping the romance going over the course of time may come naturally to some, but for others it requires conscious effort," the authors note. "Yet there are ways that it can be kept alive. Exploring each other's wants and needs and keeping the romance alive simply make life a lot more fun!"