Male christmas gift idea

Don't panic, Christmas gift help is here

Nine shopping days until Christmas ...

If you are like me, the icicles of panic are beginning to form at the base of your spine. That's because we've done it again. We've put off buying anything for anyone.

Wait a minute. That's not entirely true.

I did better this year. Last week, in fact, I went into Mark's Guitar Shop and purchased a nice guitar for someone special.

Unfortunately, that someone special was me.

Oh, why do I do it? Why do I always wait until the last minute and wind up pawing through the sale table garbage with all the other Christmas clods?

Why? Why? Why?

Sloth, self-absorption and stupidity are all good answers.

Well, there's still time left to change our ways. That's why I have prepared Doug's Xmas Gift Guide to offer you a few unique and still-available items that came to my attention via the miracle of press releases.

THE TOILET SEAT ALARM

Teaching potty manners to boys and men has challenged womankind since the creation of the commode.

But now - thanks to the Toilet Seat Alarm - suffering members of the female species need no longer sit down in a dark bathroom and experience an icy splash because ...

That lunkhead LEFT THE SEAT UP AGAIN!

"It's a public service. It's a problem solver," says Steven Shaum of the company that markets the Toilet Seat Alarm for $9.95, plus shipping.

Secured easily to a toilet lid, the small plastic alarm reminds a toilet user to lower the seat by delivering a series of painful jolts of electricity to the male nether regions.

No. That's what all you angry gals would want the Toilet Seat Alarm to do.

Mercifully, this contraption was invented by a man. Which is why it delivers a gentle recording of a female voice saying, "Please, put the seat down ... Thank you." For most TV journalists, this is a major step up.

For ordering and information go to www.ToiletSeatAlarm.com.

BOOZBARZ

What do you give the family drunk who doesn't bathe enough?

Soap that smells like booze!

And not cheap rotgut soap, either. BoozBarz are guaranteed to smell like classy lounge cocktails. There's pina colada, fuzzy navel, cosmopolitan and two types of martini - gin and apple.

"Take the party into the shower," says the BoozBarz press release.

Inventor Carolyn Mustopa makes the soap by hand in her New York apartment and sells them for 10 bucks a bar or three for $25. Mustopa says she came up with her BoozBarz idea after getting laid off from her corporate job.

Good for her. Most laid-off people just sit around and drink.

Oh, one more thing. While it may smell like the real thing, showering with BoozBarz will not make you come to work stinking like a gin mill, the product's Web site says. You'll still have to do that the old-fashioned way.

For ordering and information go to http://boozbarz.com.

CATCHING THE YULETIDE CLINTON

Christmas is a magical time of giving. And if a wife knows what to look for, she can catch her philandering husband giving magical gifts to his mistress.

It's all there in the book "Is He Cheating on You? - 829 Telltale Signs."

"A cheating husband can be exposed by the Christmas gifts he gives or receives," says author Ruth Houston.

It sells on Internet book sites for $29.95 plus $4.95. Or download it for $37 at www.booklocker.com.

The New York author says she became an infidelity expert after catching her man fooling around. Now she warns others to watch for telltale signs like:

-- Suspicious withdrawals from checking or savings accounts.

-- Unusual or unexplained ATM withdrawals.

-- Credit card statements that show unusual charges ...

Oh, no. I'm doomed. Not about cheating. When my wife reads this, she'll find out how I paid for that guitar.