Day gift it mother yourself

It's the season of giving, but you're just about ready to give up. Time and money demands from your family (you forgot to buy Aunt Edna's gift, schmuck!), work (late nights finishing that year-end report, "Paper Clips: A Company-Wide Assessment"), significant woman ("Can't you carol with me at the nursing home, you selfish bastard?"), and the social scene (another eggnog hangover) can reduce even a triathlete to an overweight, debt-ridden wreck. Here, then, is MF's present to you: a survival guide--12 ways to prevail over the harrowing holidays. That's one for each day of Christmukah.

1. It's OK to be a Scrooge.

It's Christmas Eve and your final shopping items before the buzzer. Because you've waited until the last minute, you'll take anything--and thus you've tossed your budget to the north wind, piling even more debt onto your already wheezing credit cards. What's this? MF got in touch with the Ghost of Stressmas Past--who will give you clearance to press the redo button on your holiday shopping. "I got one thing to say," says the Ghost. "Talk to the people with whom you'll exchange presents and establish gift-giving parameters. You won't look like a frickin' cheapskate for buying your mom a dish towel if you set a price limit for the whole family. There's nothing wrong with putting coal in people's stockings if you all agree to it beforehand."

Game Plan: Play Secret Santa with your group--this way, each person has to buy only one gift instead of six or more. You can also initiate a spending limit--say, $25 per person. "Don't spend more than one week of your net salary on holiday gifts," says David Bach, author of The Automatic Millionaire. "Problem is, most people spend three or four weeks'." One clan that Bach counseled spent $6,000 on presents for a single Christmas--and they already owed a combined $30,000 on credit cards. Counsels Bach: "Don't go lobster shopping on a tuna-fish budget."

Bonus: Start your gift hunting at least a month before the holiday rush to prevent a last-minute spending frenzy.

2. Keep your sack stacked.

Nothing can make you feel like more of a douche than getting a gift from him or her and not having anything for them. So why not keep a few emergency gifts handy? Robyn Freedman Spizman, a gift-giving expert (wow, where do you go to school for that?) and author of Make It Memorable: An A-Z Guide to Making Any Event, Gift, or Occasion ... Dazzling!, advises shoppers to keep a closet full of last-minute presents on hand. That way, if someone jabs you with an unexpected gift, you can counterpunch with a pro-wrapped uppercut. Even if your closet's already full with skis, that pile of clothes you meant to give to the Salvation Army in 1993, and that bag of leftover Cheetos from St. Patrick's Day, you can still make a little room. Spizman recommends having at least two all-purpose, all-person presents on hand to help you avoid that awkward "Er--but didn't get a thing for you" moment.

Game Plan: Buy a couple of books off the bestseller list--and if you slip a $5 gift card inside as a bookmark, you'll make an impersonal last-minute gift look, well, novel. Then you can always take a cue from Seinfeld and try re-gifting--just wrap up the bottle of Innuit wine your co-worker gave you and bring it to your neighbor's holiday cocktail party.

Bonus: Chained to your desk? Head to your favorite magazine's Web site. In three secs you can launch a one-year gift subscription. (Note: When typing the URL, don't forget to leave the apostrophe off "Men's Fitness.")

3. Start New Year's with a bang--not a banged-up relationship.

You just got off the phone with your brother, confirming plans for the family's annual New Year's ski trip to Tahoe. That's when your girlfriend IMs you, asking if she should dress formally for your New Year's Eve together--back home in Milwaukee. "This is a classic misunderstanding," says Peggy Post, great-granddaughter-in-law of Emily and author of the 17th edition of Emily Post's Etiquette. Better idea? Talk about New Year's plans with your main squeeze no later than three weeks before.

Game Plan: You want to avoid any bad feelings with your old lady--whether you're spending New Year's with her or not. If you are going to be together, she needs enough notice so she can go out and get all Sex and the City at Saks in the city. If, however, you're leaving her behind--stop snickering, Mr. Maturity you better have a damn good reason.

Bonus: If you're not going to be with your woman on New Year's, make sure you pay her some extra-special attention before you leave. "Be sensitive if you're not spending New Year's with her," warns Post. "Give her some flowers--they're always a great way to apologize--and make a date for after you return. Unless you think the relationship won't last, then definitely do not dad her on."

4. Drop that sugarplum, Tubby!

We know, we know, there's little time to exercise during the holidays. MF's heard it all before. And rum balls, deviled eggs, and--woo-hoo!--open bars on the company dime don't help your suddenly Santa-like waistline. But if you're mentally prepared to fight holiday fat, it will help prevent you from turning into a celebratory butterball. "Absolutely do not disrupt your exercise regime," says Michael Roizen, M.D. "In fact, exercise more." Roizen, the bestselling author of the anti-aging bible RealAge and a self-described preventative gerontologist, also noted that the non-health-conscious lifestyle we're accustomed to living over the holidays can make you age four years in one month. "If you gathered all the food you eat at one reception," he says, "it would fit on a 24-inch platter--enough for three days. So you should actually aim to lose weight--that way you probably won't gain any."

Game Plan: Just because you see pigs in blankets at holiday parties doesn't mean you have to be one. Always alternate between food and a glass of water--the water will fill you up and leave less room for junk. Ditto for lots of raw veggies at your holiday bashes.

Bonus: Above all, beware the baked goods. "Cookies are addictive," says Roizen. "Once you start, it's all over.

5. Be good, for goodness sake.

Your girlfriend's bringing you home--to her home--for the holidays to "meet the Fockers." Trouble is, last time you met a significant other's parents, you humiliated yourself by using the salad fork for your entree and the butter knife as an assault weapon. Not to worry, says Peter Post of the Emily Post Institute. (Hey--wonder if he knows Peggy?) If you play your utensils right, you can actually convince her snot-nosed, silver-spoon family that they're not good enough for you.

Game Plan: First, bring a gift. Just grab a poinsettia at Safeway for $5.99. Then make sure you go with the flow. If it's apparently a family tradition for the men to whip potatoes for the holiday feast, don't sit in the living room sucking a Bud--grab the tub of butter and help. And make your own damn bed, you lazy lout.

Bonus: Want to ensure a place in your girl's heart? Send her parents a handwritten thank-you note when you get home. They'll love you for it--and none of your buddies will ever find out.

6. Prepare to break the ice.

You're at your third holiday party this week where you've known no one but the hosts. And every time the opportunity comes to meet someone--such as that delicious blonde sipping Scotch in the corner--all you can think to talk about is college football and rising gas prices. Next time, come to the party prepared with half a dozen icebreakers to help you strike up chats with strangers.

Game Plan: "You want to say something meaty enough for someone to remember it--and you," says Will Pearson, publisher of mental_floss magazine and editor of the book mental_floss presents: Condensed Knowledge. So, for Scotch girl, make something up, like, "You know, Mother Teresa was a Scotch-and-soda fan and was often seen nipping the stuff out of a styrofoam cup. When she ran low, she'd shake the cup and rattle the ice, a signal for the altar boys to give her a refill." Explains Pearson, "You just want something that can make the conversation light," and make you the life--not the lull--of the party.

Bonus: Steer clear of politics, which can make strange bedfellows. Unless, of course, you're into that kind of thing.

7. Dress like Snazzy Claus.