Wedding gift parent thank you

Question: I'm afraid of one of my student's parents. They're not dangerous; they're not going to hurt me. I just dread having an exchange with them. I teach in the First Eucharist sacrament prep program in our parish, and these particular parents have cornered me four times in the past month asking questions about what I'm teaching and how First Communion will be celebrated. They wanted to know how I'm teaching the Real Presence; they want to be sure I'm not making Jesus some kind of "saccharine security blanket." They say that they hope other parents aren't so ignorant as to dress their young girls in white wedding-type dresses, because that's "archaic." They want me to be sure that they are not "denied the privilege of participating in the planning of their child's First Communion liturgy." When I asked the DRE about this, she said that I need to learn how to welcome parents' input without letting them run things. How do I do that? -First Eucharist catechist, Chico, CA

Well, I may be the minority opinion here, but after reading your letter I thought: Your DRE cannot possibly understand the grief you're getting from these parents. Their questions and attitudes are not appropriate and they are decidedly not normal. They reflect an agenda and a complete lack of confidence in the integrity of your religious education program and your parish process for sacramental preparation. DREs do not want their catechists to have to deal with this kind of toxic confrontation week after week. You need to sit down and tell your catechetical leader exactly what is going on so that she can figure out how to deal with the situation. She should also take you out of the loop by asking you to refer the parents directly to her from now on.

Let's get a few things straight. Catechists are not in charge of First Communion; that responsibility belongs to the pastor and the parish catechetical leader. A catechist's ministry is to faithfully use the materials she or he has been given to prepare the children for First Eucharist, to share faith with students, and to help them begin to understand (as much as second-graders are able) the great gift we receive in the Eucharist.

You are not a theologian; neither are your students. Although we teach children in second grade that the bread and the wine become the body and blood of Jesus when we gather to celebrate the Eucharist, a seven-year-old cannot possibly grasp what the Real Presence is and what it means. They will gradually grow into that understanding if they continue on in religious education and if the parents talk about and model faith for them at home on a daily basis.

The dress code for First Communion is not your bailiwick either. It is undoubtedly clearly spelled out in the packet the parents receive at a parent meeting. If these folks have a problem with it-white dresses or not-smile politely and send them directly to the DRE. Do not argue with them or try to soothe them. They want to rattle you or convince you of their superiority and wisdom. Don't let them!

If they ask what you are teaching, refer them to the text. Simply say something like, "We covered chapter 3 during class this afternoon. The children learned about the Liturgy of the Word. You can help by reviewing the chapter with your child and pointing out the different elements of this part of the Mass at Sunday liturgy this week."

As for their desire to be part of liturgy planning for First Communion, have them talk to the DRE. Most catechetical leaders try to get parents involved in planning different aspects of First Communion. From what you've told us about these two, they will probably make it a very contentious experience for all concerned, but they have a right to participate. Hopefully, your DRE has experience in dealing with difficult people. At any rate, it's not your problem.

You have every right to be afraid of these parents. Just reading about them gives me the shakes! Refer all future questions beyond your specific area-teaching-to your catechetical leader, and if that doesn't work, get a restraining order!

Kate Ristow, Contributing Editor to Catechist, is National Catechetical Consultant for RCL (Resources for Christian Living). She has been involved in children's religious education for over 25 years as a Catholic-school teacher and parish catechist.

My first reaction and response to you is: The DRE should be handling these issues, not you. What you teach in the program, the texts you use, what the children wear for First Communion, and the planning of the First Communion liturgy are all part of parish policy. I am sure you and the rest of the catechists are included in the decision-making process, but you are not solely responsible and should not have to face these parents on your own. Suggest to the parents that you arrange a meeting with the DRE so they can make their concerns known to her.

Having said that, the content you teach and how you teach it is your responsibility, and you ought to be able to discuss any concerns with parents. You can assure the parents that you are using the text the parish selected, and show them the materials you use in class. Welcome the parents' comments, but when they get into areas that are outside of your sole responsibility, then you need to address the issues in a larger arena. Be friendly, listen to what they say, and thank them for their comments. You also might suggest to the parents that they can reinforce basic teachings, such as the Real Presence of Christ in the Eucharist, with their child at home.

It sounds like these particular parents are in the minority, and they may be trying to intimidate you, so don't let them bully you. I would be the first one to suggest that you involve the parents in the preparation of their children for the sacraments; however, some parents may have their own agenda or ax to grind, which is why I suggest involving the parish DRE when particular difficulties arise. You deserve to have the support of the DRE and the parish.

Adela is currently Editorial Director for Benziger/Macmillan/McGraw-Hill. Formerly on staff in the Office of Religious Education, Archdiocese of Los Angeles, she has also served as a parish DRE, RCIA Director, Catholic-school teacher, and catechist.

While it is reasonable, even desirable, for parents to interact with and ask questions of their child's catechist, this situation sounds excessive. Unless you are the coordinator of the program, you should not have to address repeated questions about the curriculum and celebration. That is your DRE's responsibility, and the best forum for discussing the type of questions you mention is at or after a parent meeting.

If these parents corner you again-and it sure sounds like they will-I suggest that you say the following: "It seems to me that you have serious concerns and questions about our program. The person best prepared to respond to your concerns would be our DRE, _____ (mention that person's name). I strongly suggest that you make an appointment to speak with her."

If you are the person responsible for setting up the preparation and celebration of First Eucharist, then you may need to make revisions to the way you do it. These parents are either obsessive (and I don't discount that possibility) or they didn't have a chance to air their concerns in another forum. For example, do your sacramental preparation meetings for parents clearly spell out the parents' role in the preparation of their child to celebrate the sacrament, the philosophy behind your curriculum, and the way you will celebrate the liturgy? If not, why not? You will head off at the pass situations like this if you are proactive and involve parents from the very beginning. They do, after all, have the primary role in preparing their children for the sacraments.

Mr. Weber is Director of the Catholic Education Ministries Center of Central Maryland, a regional office in the Archdiocese of Baltimore, MD. He is a frequent contributor to Catechist, and publishes monthly columns online at http://centralmdcatholic.org